Caleb Kaltenbach (Yard.A. '07) is an alumnus of Biola's Talbot Schoolhouse of Theology, lead pastor of a large church in Simi Valley, Calif., and a married father of 2. He'southward also an emerging voice in the discussion of how Christians should engage the LGBT community. That's because Kaltenbach has an insider perspective, having been raised by a dad and mom who divorced and independently came out of the closet every bit a gay human being and a lesbian. Raised in the midst of LGBT parties and pride parades, Kaltenbach became a Christian and a pastor as a young adult. Today, he manages the tension of holding to the traditional biblical teaching on sexuality while loving his gay parents.

Kaltenbach's unique story is detailed in his new book Messy Grace: How a Pastor with Gay Parents Learned to Dearest Others Without Sacrificing Conviction and landed him on the front page of the New York Times in June. Biola Mag reached out to him to talk near his volume and his perspective on how Christians can better navigate the complexities of this event with truth and grace.

In your book y'all say that information technology'south time for Christians to ain the issue of homosexuality. What exercise you hateful past this? How would you lot similar to meet this play out?

Christians can own this issue past caring enough to go to know the whole person. If you retrieve that identifying every bit LGBT is mainly most sex — that's shallow. The theology of "whom we accept sex with" might be black and white, but the person and related experiences aren't. Once my mom told me that she and her partner hadn't been intimate in years. I asked why she still chosen herself a lesbian. Her response was that she had a community filled with friends, acceptance, a cause and deep feelings. It reminded me that people have depth. Intendance enough almost a person non to reduce them to their sexual orientation. If someone who is LGBT says that it's not mainly about sexual practice, why immediately throw the "homosexuality verses" their style? Talk near holy living down the route. Peradventure Christians can own this outcome past existence kind and making a new friend.

You challenge Christians to stop fugitive or merely "tolerating" LGBT people, merely to engage in meaningful relationships with them. What should that look like?

The more Christians stop treating people in the LGBT community every bit "evangelistic projects" or "those people," the more than meaningful relationships will develop. Hither's the secret to engage in meaningful relationships with anyone: Treat people like actual people. Comprehend the tension by developing friendships over meals, coffee and more than. Appoint in conversations. Try to understand who they are equally a person (experiences, hopes, dreams, fears, etc.). Don't seek to "fix" anyone, merely point to Christ. Hither's a hard truth I came to larn over the years: It's never been my task to change someone's sexual attraction. God didn't call me to "restore" LGBT people to a direct orientation. It's not even my job to change lives. It's God'due south job. He has slap-up experience in the "life change department." My responsibility is to dearest people, make friends and journey with them.

You lot write that ane definition of love is belongings the tension of grace and truth. What do you hateful by this and who do y'all think models this sort of love well?

The uncomfortable feeling in the tension of grace and truth is dear. and God as well. Yet, dearest never harms. A theological conviction should never exist a catalyst to treat someone poorly. Nosotros tin accept the person without approving of their option to be in (or pursue) a same-sex relationship. Love people, but remember what the Bible teaches. Deepen your relationships, but concord firm to conviction. Never surrender on the person or Scripture. Beloved never takes sides. Love has no exception clause. I encounter this love lived out by some parents of gay teenagers. These parents love their kids no matter what and naught about their relationship changes. They thank the teen for trusting them with this part of their life. At the aforementioned time, they hold true to what Scripture says not merely about sexuality, but also about loving others.

What happens if our "honey" is not accepted at all considering we still hold to truth? What would you say to an LGBT person who argues that "acceptance only not approving" is non actually love? Isn't that the direction club is moving, that anything short of full approval is actually bigotry?

To the LGBT person: Be conscientious taking a hardline stance on something that isn't your foundational identity. Your main identity shouldn't be defined by your sexual orientation; rather God should ascertain it. People are entitled to their behavior. Many examined Scripture, believe that sexual intimacy is for a homo and woman in marriage, and aren't homophobic or hateful. If these people are loved ones (beingness loving towards you) why close them out? Don't distance yourself considering they don't agree with you or the kind of relationship you might have. Don't treat others who disagree with you the way yous wouldn't like to be treated. They might be intolerant in your mind for not agreeing with you. However, are they treating you lot poorly? Do they dear you less? Do they not value you anymore? Don't become intolerant by not giving them margin to accept different views.

How should and how shouldn't Christians respond if someone in their life or church community confides in them about same sex attraction?

Christians brand too many mistakes when someone comes out to them. They attempt to advise counseling. At some point, they volition throw out Bible verses apropos homosexuality or matrimony. Some Christians try to "chronicle" and ofttimes compare same-sex activity attraction to other sins similar murder, theft, etc. Emotions like low and anger volition commonly set in. Unfortunately, these are all the wrong things to do. Everyone needs counseling, the person coming out probably knows how you lot interpret the Bible regarding sexuality, and they don't want to be compared to Hannibal Lecter or Gordon Gekko. This is a moment to mind and assert your beloved for them. Think of it this way: The people coming out to you lot have called to share a very intimate and personal part of their life because you are someone they value. You can never get this moment back, and responding the wrong way is devastating.

How should a Christian respond if invited to a same-sex marriage ceremony? Is attending a gay wedding a tacit affirmation of the sacredness of the vows being exchanged?

Attention may put you in a hard position as one who believes spousal relationship is for a human being and adult female. Notwithstanding, yous'll accept influence in your relationship with the married person. Fearfulness shouldn't go along you from a situation where others disagree with you. At that place might exist a chance to share your organized religion with others at the wedding ceremony. After, when the newlywed has a season of doubt or turmoil, you lot might be the person they turn to (giving y'all the chance to share Jesus). But there are too reasons why you lot may not want to nourish. Hurt feelings may upshot, but God created union for him and the couple. You need to correspond truth, and this might be 1 of those times. In the end, the couple might recognize and remember your integrity. Either option could comport relational difficulty, doctrinal tension or emotional baggage. My communication: Pray virtually it and represent Jesus well with your decision.

If celibacy is the only option for a aforementioned-sex-attracted Christian who wants to remain biblically faithful (you argue this in the book), what can the church practise to improve minister to these people? Can we just casually tell them "no sex for you!" and leave it at that?

Some contend the Bible doesn't address same-sexual practice loving monogamous relationships, so it's fine. Notwithstanding, all passages dealing with homosexuality agree that same-sexual activity intimacy isn't God's design — monogamous or non. Sexual intimacy is from God for a man and adult female in the covenant of wedlock. Exterior of matrimony, in that location shouldn't exist whatsoever expression of sexuality. Our sex activity-obsessed culture makes celibacy out to be cruel, when it's a blessing. There's more focus on God, freedom in life, acknowledgement of attraction while still holding to biblical convictions. Intimacy isn't only sexual; it is also experienced through lifelong friendships, supporting causes and family. The church must create an atmosphere of relational opportunities for single people. For example, if a unmarried person is ill, hospitalized, or needs help — the church building should support them through minor groups, funds and other means. Celibacy is a cede for Jesus, and the church building needs to set up for that cede.

What are some ways local churches can better minister to the LGBT community?

Allow people to "belong earlier they believe." If y'all're going to enquire people not to identify with the LGBT customs, you'd better have another community prepare for them! Give people margin for God to piece of work in their lives. Healing and spiritual heart surgery takes time. Help people to feel safety about admitting struggle without fear of backlash. Create an surroundings where it's OK for teenagers to enquire questions and be authentic. Railroad train youth leaders to listen and ask the right questions. Create support for parents of gay teenagers. Spend time with LGBT people outside and inside your church (they are there). Heed, inquire questions and learn. Don't permit church policies to hinder needed conversations.

Caleb Kaltenbach (1000.A. '07) is the lead pastor at Discovery Church building in Simi Valley, Calif., and the writer of Messy Grace: How a Pastor with Gay Parents Learned to Love Others Without Sacrificing Confidence.